Charles*, a 30-something Tanzanian engineer living in the United States, explains, "I am a traditional man who was looking for a wife who shared my values. I dated women here [in America] but was unimpressed; I found that most Tanzanian women were Tanzanian in name only. They were looking for a man who was a ‘total package’—at the time I was a student who was working my way up; I couldn’t offer the world to them at the time, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I was established." Frustrated with his dating experiences in America, Charles spent a month in Tanzania, looking for a woman to become his wife. With the assistance of his extended family and childhood friends, Charles found a woman he was happy to marry after a six month long distance courtship. As unusual as Charles’s courtship rituals seem, Charles is not alone. Fatima, a Somali mother of two twenty-something sons who are studying in America, openly discourages her sons from getting attached to girls who have not been raised in Somalia. "I tell them that they can date who they want, but it can never be serious. When they are ready to marry, I will take them home [to Somalia] to find their wives.
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13 comments:
I actually participated on a panel on Blog Talk Radio this past weekend where women who are single, accomplished and over 30 were featured (the show is 2 hours long but can be accessed here). One of the guest hosts, a male, asked if we would be willing to go to our country of origin to find a man and I personally indicated that unless I could dedicate the time to stay in the country for a while, several months at least, in order to get to know the guy, his friends and his family, I would not be comfortable with the idea. That is because unfortunately it is too easy to be duped if you don't know someone long enough.
However, if family members are involved in the search process then perhaps they can help you who live abroad vouch for this person while you are apart. Relying on the opinions and judgments of others could of course have its own problems.
As a single woman, I understand that dating is difficult, but I would never go home to find a husband. Let's be realistic, as African as we are, we are also very much influenced by living in America and that creates cultural differences. When I look at my dad as an example, he has changed quite a bit since moving to America---he helps out with cooking sometimes, he irons---I am not saying that these are cultural traits that are specific to African men, it's just that there are certain traditions that I think you are not as likely to find here. I simply can't believe that by moving to another country your luck with love will change.
GoodNaijaGirl, thanks for the link to the radio talk show. I really enjoyed listenting to it.
I listened to the radio show on blogtalk radio and it actually left me a little bit depressed. There was so much emphasis on being 30 and single and I don't understand what is so different about being 29 and single versus 30 and single. All this talk about having less time to have a baby doesn't make much sense to me either. It takes 9 months to carry a baby and if you wanted to have your children back to back you could have them in a matter of a few years. Ladies, we have to stop thinking of 30 as marking some sort of beginning to an end.
As for going home to find a spouse, I wouldn't knock the whole idea entirely. If you have family looking for a good husband for you, it is sort of like an Indian arranged marriage. This is one f those things that depends entirely on the circumstances.
I wouldn't be so quick to say that the person living in Africa is looking for a green card---we don't say the same thing about Indian people who do the same and you know that India has some of the worst poverty in the world if not the worst.
Just my annonymous two cents.
i am surprised by the mother who says that she will let her boys date women in america, but that they have to marry in somalia. if they fall in love what can she do about that?
well said Anonymous 7:35 am
What exactly are, "African values?"
The Somali mother doesn't mind her sons breaking some hearts I guess. Kind of sad.
Annonymous at 8:45, it's like they say, I know it when I see it (ha!)
Nani Hapa commenting ... I spent most of my life back in my mother country (or the "MC" as I like to refer to it) and I have a lot of friends who still live there, including lost loves, unrequited loves, and true loves ;) Going back to the MC to find a husband just isn't my style, it's like Amina said, I don't think my luck with love would suddenly change. But if I went back home for an extended period (sometimes I just need a "leave of absence" where I go back to be in the MC) and I happened to fall in love with someone, why not?
A girl friend of mine found her husband in Africa - as a matter of fact it was someone her family picked out for her. Here in America - she isn't happy. He is abusive and manipulative - and its taken her years to get away.
So much for going home to Africa to find her mate. Regardless of what region we are from, we are all human made of flesh & blood, children of God (unless you don't believe). Marrying someone who is African or of your same ethnicity is not an assurance that you will have a good marriage. Dating someone who sincerly shares your same core values does - regardless of where you find him/her, including their race.
You're welcome, Amina :)
Anonymous 7:35 — I think age 30 was selected because that is the age where "society" starts to really wonder why you are not married if you are a female of that age. I feel like that emphasis on having to be married or having kids by 30 is changing, at least in Canada where women are marrying later and later, and putting off having children too.
While I agree that women over 30 can conceive and give birth without issue, we cannot deceive ourselves that biologically it is harder for women to conceive as they get closer to 40 than when they are in their 20s or early 30s. Harder, not impossible. I think if you are a woman in your 30s who knows that having biological children is important to you, you should do what you have to do to find someone that you can build a life with and have children with sooner rather than later.
I'm not saying you should rush into marriage for the sake of having children, or settle for someone that doesn't fulfill your needs in a partner, but women are not afforded the ability to conceive children whenever they want, like men are. The exceptions we read about in the paper or watch on tv make the news because they are exceptions.
I love how this men go to Africa to find a spouse because apparently african girls in the usa are too headstrong. When said "naive,timid" spouse lands in the usa they quickly open their eyes realize they have rights and refuse to put up with the mans bs.. and thats when the nightmare starts for these idiot men.
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