From The Archives: Sex For Companionship

((  Written By:  Princess Goosby  ))  I started seeing a man two years ago.  From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I wanted him.  He met my list of qualities I look for in an ideal mate.  He was attentive, intelligent, well educated, had a successful career, well traveled, handsome, domestic, and before long I found out he was also amazing in bed.  I am a woman of many words, and for the first time in my life I found myself speechless, in his presence.

The foundation of our relationship was built on sex.  I knew from the beginning he did not desire a serious commitment, but I lay with him anyway.  So although I longed for an emotional and spiritual connection, I substituted those things out of fear of being alone.

I knew that if I offered my body he would come to me, and we would share small exchanges that I’d scribble down in my memory to dissect when he was gone while smelling his scent embedded in my linens, similar to the way people's existence is carved into tree barks, their endearments sealed by the heart encapsulating their words.  Except the only proof I had of the time we had shared would be washed away by laundry detergent.

Depending on or our frame of mind no matter how skewed it may be, we allow ourselves to be subjected to certain kinds of treatment.  For me, at the time, it was as a sexual object.  I exchanged sex for companionship because at the time I really felt that I needed something to love, cherish and to honor me.
My friend and I have since ended our escapades.  Much to my surprise, our sexual exchanges began to wear on his emotions also.  We are friends now, both single, in preparation for real love, starting with ourselves.  We have both learned from our escapade.  I really fell hard for this guy; I believed I was in love with him.  I see now that is not the kind of love that I really needed or wanted.  I am one of the lucky ones in that the guy I was seeing wasn’t a predator, and instead was like me—an injured soul looking for love in all the wrong ways.

The fear of being alone paralyzes our ability to make good judgments when it comes to relationships and our bodies.  No matter how we find love it is important that we are able to differentiate what is love and what is not.  More importantly, while we are searching or waiting on cupid to knock at our door, we should not be sacrificing our bodies in exchange.

Our quest for love generally starts with a desire for love from someone else.  True love, however, starts on the inside.  It begins with a healthy self-image, and morals.  The bottom line is that we cannot expect someone to love us when we do not love ourselves.  The act of sacrificing our body, our morals, our minds, for the superficial affection of another, is not a sign of unfailing love, but a sign of poor self-image.

In order to experience true love we must love ourselves first, by acknowledging the magnificent woman that God has created us to be that is worthy of giving, and receiving love.  Once we have experienced love for ourselves, we are able to put everything and everyone in perspective.

Being single is not a bad thing, it is wonderful!  It is a time for self discovery and growth.  A time for healing and cleansing yourself from baggage left over from your last relationship.  Use your single days as time of reflection—reflect on things you liked and did not like in your ex and revamp your list of traits you are looking for in your ideal mate.  If you don’t have a list, make one, and don’t sacrifice your list for momentary affection.  Pamper yourself and treat yourself like the queen you are.  Remember, the key to finding real love starts on the inside.  Are you in love with yourself?

((  Photo Credits: Sandy Jones | Models Used Solely For Illustrative Purposes  ))
((  Originally Published In MIMI Magazine's October 2006 Issue, Truth Or Dare  ))